


Living

by silvercolour



Series: Takarazuka prompts [11]
Category: Flying Sapa | －フライング サパ－ - Takarazuka Revue
Genre: Angst, Feelings, Gen, Prequel to the Show, Thoughts about suicide as a subject, im sorry, technically AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvercolour/pseuds/silvercolour
Summary: Obak is left alone with his thoughts- sometimes too much so.Set before the show’s events.
Series: Takarazuka prompts [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1781578
Kudos: 2





	Living

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this was written before seeing the show, based on a friend’s summary. It’s not quite canon-compliant and technically AU but I still like it, so here we all are!

_Have you ever loved anyone?_ That is the question Obak finds himself asking most often these days. His work has never been easy, but he prides himself on being good at it. And that question is one of his most effective weapons.

His task is to stop people from killing themselves, and by extension harming the system of Hesonou that keeps everyone on Porunka alive. Humanity’s old home has been lost because of a fading Sun and the harmful, selfish behaviour of those old humans. Now it is up to him, and up to all of them, to make sure the same thing does not happen to Porunka as well.

_Have you ever loved someone_ is not a simple weapon, however. It is a double-edged sword, and it cuts him every time he speaks those words. For his mission subjects (victims, patients, those awaiting rescue–whatever you want to call them), it is a pain of remembering. There are bittersweet memories of their loved ones they would leave behind ( _if not for yourself, live for them),_ or the painful memories of those who would not miss them if they left ( _do not concern yourself with them, live your own life, for your own goals, your own happiness_ ).

For Obak, it is a pain of _not_ remembering.

Most of the time, the people he meets listen to him.

Their pain is very, very real, and sometimes Obak feels their pain might be more real than his. His own pain, the reason why the question hurts to ask, stems from the fact that he doesn’t know if _anyone_ ever loved him. Likewise he does not know that they didn’t, but that is only a cold comfort.

His own memories go back only four years– and have a distinct lack of loved ones. He spends most of his time working, and what time he has left between work and sleep is best spent keeping busy, he’s found. It’s better to be too busy, too tired or too preoccupied to think, than it is to have time. When he has time he spends it wondering what his life was like, and what he himself was like, before he forgot everything he ever knew.

He has seen the results of Too Much Time to Think, in his own cramped flat filled with bottles of whiskey, as well as out here at night while he works.

So he spends his days work-eat-sleep-repeating until he doesn’t need to think about anything. It is only when he has to ask that question _Have you ever loved anyone?_ That he must think about it again.

Those whom he asks this question have varying answers, but most all of them start with _yes_. Sometimes their answer is _yes, but-,_ sometimes it’s _yes, and-_. More rarely, it’s _no, not since-_. All of these answers hurt. They hurt for their speakers to say, and for their audience to hear.

For he envies them– not their pain, nor their desperation, never those. But Obak envies them their depth of feeling. He envies their feeling, because he feels… empty, hollow– he has far too many synonyms for it. He feels less-than-a-person, incomplete without his memories, which he will probably never recover. His past is a dark cavern, filled only by the echoes of who he is now, and surrounded by an impenetrable darkness, hiding who he was before.

So he works, and work-eat-sleep-repeats until he drops, and fights in order to fill that void, that feeling of uselessness that never leaves him, and can only ever be forgotten for a short time.

It’s late at night, or perhaps too early in the morning. These ghost-hours are usually when Obak is summoned by Hesonou on his missions. These hours, in the dead of night, when dawn seems dangerously far away; in these desperate hours Obak works to save lives, to serve the system Hesonou. This is when he fights to forget his present, barely useful self, even as he has forgotten his past self years ago.

His phone beeps shrilly, alerting him of a new mission brief.

Subject name: Milena…

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment and let me know what you think, I love hearing from you guys!


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